The “I’m a Free-Spirit” Argument Isn’t Cute Anymore.

Exploring the struggles of a noncommital chaser of novelty.

I don’t want to write an article today, but I committed to 30 articles in 30 days. What to do, what to do? I guess I’ll write about this itchy and uncomfortable feeling I have. I want to crawl out of my skin, honestly. I’d rather do anything other than write. Why is this?

Free-spirited, passionate, and willful are three adjectives that describe me well. I am passionate about ideas and life, revel in my non-attachment, and am deeply driven to accomplish goals. This combination makes for an interesting life.

The frustration arises at the moment of decision. Once I choose to commit to a goal, which I usually don’t, my body wants to run into the closest cave I can find. You’d think I want to commit to certain opportunities that are good for me. Right? Wrong.

I enjoy the thought of long-term rewards, and I often jump to them at a moment’s notice. There’s a sense of thrill in this experience. I feel a jolt of excitement in the prospects of competition that I seem to forget the importance of follow-through.

I attempt to hang onto this initial feeling. I’m addicted to it. I don’t want to work hard when I’ve already experienced the feeling of joy. No thanks. Boring! Sigh. I’d like to get to the bottom of this misconception so it can no longer sabotage my life. The “plodding away” part of commitments is the best part. Why don’t I find it rewarding? What does it take to establish a sense of excitement in day-to-day perseverance? Here we go.

I respect and value the idea of commitments. There is an experience of gratification in the choice to follow through with a decision. Isn’t there? I think so. However, what stops me in my tracks is the idea of entrapment. What if something better comes along? What then? I’m tired, I’m bored and I’m ready for the next thing. That novel excitement acts like a drug.

The problem with this type of mentality is that it leaves me with a series of unfinished projects. Whoops. Commitments require a willingness to follow through to yield positive results.

Logically, I can comprehend this simple truth. I recognize the importance of following through with commitments. When it comes to fear, however, this logical assessment is thrown out. The fear is rooted in a crippling fear which lies on the spectrum between failure and success.

If I fail, I feel the pain of loss. If I succeed, I feel the pain of power. Again, this is not a logical feeling, but logic is not the only factor we must consider.

Fear stifles our passion, goodwill, and the transcendent colors of life. So what do I do with this itchy feeling that accompanies the thought of commitment? I certainly do not ignore it or repress it; I know the peril of such an action.

I could explore the causes, but I’m tired of unpacking my childhood. It’s exhausting and redundant. I could speak on the societal norms that teach women worldly success is not meant for them. Meh. I already know that story.

So what do I do? What do I do when I commit and refuse to follow through? I get up and do the work regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me. If I want to benefit from the rewards of accomplishment, I must do the work to get there.

The following is a list of solutions to this problem of noncommital fear.

1. Allow yourself to dream during the boring stage. What would it feel like and look like to complete the goal? Seems like this is more exciting than the novelty of a new project? Live into that.
2. Set a timer and stick to the task until the timer goes off.
3. Sit in the discomfort. Do not ignore it. Rather, feel into it and channel it into your work.
4. Scream into a pillow. I don’t know. It helps me.
5. Buckle up and do it.

So, I did it. Woo! I wrote my article for the day. I followed through. I wonder how my life might change if I continue to follow this list? I’ll experiment and get back to you.