Breaking Free from Learned Helplessness: Owning My Power after Abuse
Unlearning helplessness and stepping into a space of healing.
Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation, self-harm, addiction, codependency, trauma
During my challenging recovery journey, a crucial first step is admitting powerlessness. However, surrendering to this reality can be difficult, especially in a world that often demands a façade of power and invincibility. I’ve been a member of Codependents Anonymous for a year, but there’s been a disconnect. I attend meetings and do the work, but a part of me holds back. How can I genuinely admit powerlessness over another person when I’m working so hard to reclaim my power?
Discovering a New Path
During CODA meetings, I heard whispers about another 12-step program: Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). This program particularly appealed to me because it focused on the impact of parenting and helped me address my inner child’s anger. Initially, I was hesitant to add ACA meetings to my already busy schedule, which included therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and my weekly CODA meetings. However, I realized that creating space for ACA meetings was essential for survival.
The Roots of Helplessness
My journey began with self-harm at the tender age of 12. I was overwhelmed by repressed anger and lacked an outlet to express my emotions at home. I seethed with resentment and internal shame, leading me to seek attention through behaviors that ultimately led to disciplinary actions. My parents couldn’t fathom my struggles, and I don’t blame them. In their eyes, I was a difficult child who needed “tough love.”
Navigating Dark Waters
During that turbulent time, I ventured into a world of drugs, underground tattoos, eating disorders, and friendships with individuals involved in drug addiction. Like them, I desperately tried to fill the growing void within me. Thanks to teachers, social workers, and doctors, I managed to steer away from my peers' destructive path. However, the core challenges persisted. Although I dedicated myself more to my studies, I continued seeking relationships that mirrored my yearning for love with abuse, a reflection of the storm within my soul.
Turning Over Powerlessness
Fast forward to today, and I am three years sober, distanced from abusive relationships for six years, and fiercely determined to stabilize my life. Yet, a constant chaos surrounds me. I lack stable employment and home, circumstances I once attributed solely to a broken system. While the education system and the economy are deeply flawed, my sense of powerlessness has prevented me from finding inner calm to weather life’s storms.
Coping with the Weight of the World
When the world’s weight becomes unbearable, I often revert to the same coping mechanisms I used at 12. Though I no longer engage in physical self-harm, I battle feelings of shame and helplessness that threaten my well-being. Thoughts of isolation, suicide, and pain cloud any sense of progress. Desperate for external validation of my worth, I call friends for support, offering a temporary fix to my lifelong challenge. I’ve realized that my learned helplessness has perpetuated a narrative of victimhood.
Embracing Personal Power
As I embark on the journey of unlearning helplessness and nurturing my inner child, I am fully open to the idea that I have been powerless over this reality. Embracing this concept is vital to breaking free from the shackles of learned helplessness and reclaiming my power. Although this likely means shedding relationships, experiences, and environments that remain firmly situated in victimhood, I choose to take the next step by allowing the past to die so my spirit can begin to build a new life filled with unlimited possibilities.
