I’m giving up the skinny ideal.

Embracing Body Neutrality: My Journey Beyond the Skinny Ideal

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, I was inundated with the concept of the “skinny ideal.” Heroin chic and the prevailing notion that plus-sized began at anything above a size 2 left an indelible mark on my psyche. As a petite woman with natural curves, I felt the pressure to contort my body into something much smaller. I wanted bigger breasts while maintaining a thin physique naturally. Little did I know, it was all an illusion, a mirage I chased for far too long.

My Struggle with the Skinny Ideal:

My journey began with youthful experimentation, trying everything from bulimia and bra stuffing at age 12 to anorexia and “boob pills” at 14. High school saw me embracing punishing exercise and crash diets to fit into the mold I believed was ideal. But I couldn’t break free from my binge-eating habit, leading to a continuous cycle of weight fluctuations. I’d cling to a number on the scale based on unrealistic celebrity standards, not realizing the toll it was taking on my mental and physical well-being.

Seeking External Validation

My weight continued to yo-yo throughout my 20s, especially when I moved to Hollywood. Here, I encountered diverse body types that didn’t conform to the standard Hollywood starlet image. It was during this time that I was introduced to a prescription drug called Phentermine, which was provided off the books by a doctor to many aspiring actors, including myself. The toxic pursuit of an unattainable ideal persisted.

At 24, I found myself in a turbulent marriage with an abuser. In this relationship, I lost a lot of weight, achieving a weight of 90 pounds at my lowest. It seemed like I had finally reached a dark and sick goal, but it was a wake-up call when a doctor told me that I was risking my health and even my life. I started eating again, but my obsession with the scale remained.

After escaping the first abusive relationship through divorce, I sadly ended up in another toxic partnership. These experiences were crucial in my journey, leading me to where I am now — pursuing healing.

The Road to Recovery:

For almost seven years, I’ve been attending weekly therapy sessions and working with multiple mental health professionals. I’ve gained insights into the “why” behind my destructive behaviors but struggled with the “how” to change them. Learning tools and skills is just half the battle; implementing them is the other half. Superficial change is possible, but true transformation requires embodying it.

Today marks a significant turning point in my recovery. Without any forced affirmations or emotional regulation techniques, I had a simple thought: “I’m tired of trying to be skinny.” This thought was pure and unscripted, a sign that my healing techniques had finally shifted my thought patterns. While I’m uncertain where this new mindset will take me, I write this with pride, looking forward to the next stage of my recovery.

Embracing Body Neutrality:

My ultimate goal now is body neutrality. I want to celebrate the healthy functioning of my body rather than obsess over its appearance. It’s a journey, and I invite you to join me as we break free from the chains of the skinny ideal and learn to embrace ourselves as we are.

In a world that constantly bombards us with unrealistic beauty standards, it’s essential to recognize the damaging impact of the skinny ideal and actively work towards embracing body neutrality. My journey has been self-discovery, and I’m excited to see where it leads. Let’s celebrate our bodies for their resilience and health rather than their size.