Borderline Personality Disorder: The Gift of Identity Disturbance
Recently I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a fundamental key to new levels of growth and development. With this diagnosis, I recognize that the core challenge is a consistent sense of self. I’ve struggled to understand this aspect of my symptoms because I have a strong identity. I know what my likes and dislikes are, I have specific goals and I am very aware of my belief system.
However, the word perception is a key to unlocking this seemingly mysterious and complex inner world of BPD. There is no doubt that I have a strong identity. Many may even call me stubborn or brash in my approach to life. From an external glance, one may view my accomplishments and personality as worthy of praise. I can understand this, but I refuse to accept it. I refuse because, again, the sense of self is an issue. My capacity to view identity objectively and realistically fits into the society I reside in is skewed. Therefore, I am in a constant state of questioning — specifically in regards to how others view me.
With the reality distortion that comes with an idea of the personality, it is no wonder why those who exhibit BPD characteristics have unique coping strategies. The disbelief in who I am as an individual destabilizes external validation. In essence, regardless of how much another person might love, care or accept who I am, I refuse to believe it. This refusal is caused by disbelief in another’s capacity to see me. If I cannot see myself clearly, how in the hell can another?
As I ponder this question, I find myself amid anguish. Will I be alone forever? Will this difficulty continue to inhibit my capacity to receive love? No, because I will not allow it to. In this desire to find my sense of self, I have stubbornly clung to the idea that an individualistic personality is desirable. In an attempt to regurgitate what was fed to me long ago, I have dismissed my true self. However, if I choose to pluck away the pressure of individualism and reconnect with divine oneness, there is a potential to see myself in a new light. In essence, my lack of personal sense of self is a superpower.
Not having a fixed identity can provide challenges in modern-day Western culture. Still, if approached from a space of spiritual service, there is a potential to connect with divinity in a fluid and boundless way. If I choose to allow those I love and the world at large to transform through me continuously, then I have the potential to expand beyond my current limitations and develop a new kind of perception. Perception built on an idea of separateness is dangerous to our spirit.
With this consideration, I am reminded of the field of Psychology. Before its focus on scientific proof and compartmentalization, psychology was the study of the soul. Although I am grateful for scientific discovery, the loss of soul-focused exploration outside religion came with a price. A lack of connectivity with the collective union and an emphasis on the individual personality fostered fear-based boundaries and fragmentation of the individual psyche.
For the borderline, who did not receive encouragement to challenge the status quo, there is a distinct emphasis on the attachment to it. So, the real question is, ‘how can I connect to the collective through my gift of self-renewal and establish a solid foundation in the world’s soul (anima)? Does separateness genuinely exist outside of our perception? I think not.
I’m unsure where this journey will go, but I will tell you that the possibilities for growth and healing are endless.
