An Open Letter to My Abuser

TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence

Dear X,

As I prep for the proposal stage of my doctoral dissertation, I’ve been on an organizational rampage. As a result, while I find papers, e-mails, and notes to archive, I’ve encountered quite a few unsavory correspondences between us.

To think of you now as my lover, well, I want to vomit. I wonder how I ended up in your possession. Then I remember — oh yes, I hated myself. I called you into my life because I desired a savior. I did not believe I could find the resolve or power within myself. After my divorce, I believed I was trash…so that is what I was attracted to. You.

At once, I feel the anger rise into my throat—anger towards myself and anger towards you. I want to scream for time lost. I want to smash a glass mirror and step on the shards. I want to revisit those moments with your hands wrapped around my neck. Times when you convinced me of my stupidity and lack of moral fiber. In this moment of anger, I find a gradual sense of release. I am safe. I am free.

After 4 years of struggling to survive, I can now see my power clearly. Ruthless will has helped me to overcome homelessness and gain a semblance of stability. I now sit here as a Ph.D. student in the home of supportive housemates, and I realize that I’ve made it. I survived. You awakened the fighter in me. Your words provided me with the fuel I need to climb forward. The fire in my gut burns from the life we spent together.

You were the darkness before the light. You were the full manifestation of my deepest demons who I, until now, ignored. The mission to claim my power, to integrate my truth, and to pick up the fragmented pieces of my soul resides in the scarring of our past.

Thank you for helping me see who I truly am.

Thank you for helping me know my boundaries.

Thank you for giving me a reason to fight.

Because of you, I will never forget that I am a warrior.